I am writing this blog post for these reasons:
- It isn’t talked about enough.
- I went through it for 6 years and some people still choose not to believe me.
- I am tired of staying hush hush about it.
- I hope it will help encourage other women to stand up and get out of any bad situation their in.
I suppose this will also be a rant in a way but I want to go through what I faced. People can judge me all that they want and choose not to believe me but I know what I went through. This was spurred on by things that have happened to me in the past few days and well I am tired of a certain individual going around and denying it all.
I will not be using real names in this but If you are friends of mine, then you may know who I speak of. We will name this person “Jim” for the time being. I am 100% truthful about what I say, I have no reason to lie about it.
It all started when I was 18, I was finishing up high school and me being the shy person had never had a boyfriend throughout it. I decided with the help of a family member to try online dating, don’t judge me! Went on a few dates but wasn’t interested in any of them that much, until Jim contacted me. He seemed like the bad boy type, pictures with motorcycle stunts all over his profile. We talked for what seemed to be a month or two and then decided to meet up for the first time. We hit it off automatically, we started dating and everything seemed amazing. He was basically my first for everything at that point so I grew an attachment to him, we did everything together. I started hanging around with his friends, staying out late and what not. At that point I started distancing myself from my friends at the time, they started getting worried. Soon things started happening, which were not ok. He’d bring me out to hang out with his friends which at the time were into cars and so was he. At a certain time of the night when he grew bored of me, he would drop me off at home and then go out with his friends all night. There were always pretty girls that hung around them. It bothered me a little but I went along with it. I started getting irritated by it when some of these girls would text him while we were hanging out, I naturally got jealous. I tried calling him a few times while he was out and I’d always get blown off by him and he started acting nasty towards me. Started calling me crazy so his friends could hear it. During this whole period we ended up getting engaged, me being naive I said yes. It didn’t last that long however, we got into a fight and I handed him the ring. We ended up making up and I asked if I could have it back, he told me that I had to let him do one thing so I agreed ( I can’t believe I allowed him to do this). He gave my head a swirly in the toilet and then never gave me the ring back. I still stayed with him after this.
Things really went downhill after that, he ended up hating my family completely because they saw how he was treating me. He turned me against my family, I got into so many fights with them. He even tried to have my family deported, he failed! I ended up getting kicked out because my parents were fed up with me not listening to them. I rented a room from an older woman, It was very tough. I did not know how to budget my money at that point. It didn’t help that he had convinced me earlier on that in order to see him I had to pay for his gas for his car. Anytime I wanted to hang out with him, he made me fill his car up and pay for food. I of course was stupid and agreed because I loved him, I wanted to spend time with him. On top of all that he got me into expensive hobbies, convinced me to spend lots on reptiles and what not. He ended up selling them on me and I never got my money. I don’t care who you are, that is not how you treat someone you love. In between all this I found out that he was going around picking up girls, telling them that he was single and everything. I found out because he somehow got in contact with a school friend, she told me everything. He of course denied it all, I gave him another chance. He would also yell at me so loudly and say the most hurtful things on so many occasions. I would end up crying in his car most of the time, people started to notice. One night he was dropping me off and he yelled at me while we were on the driveway. When I got in the door the woman I was living with came out and asked me if I was ok. She heard it all from her bedroom ( she heard this meanwhile It happened in his car), I brushed it off. She couldn’t take things for much longer and staged an intervention when I got home from work one day. I of course freaked out and contacted my parents, Jim ended up apologising to them so I could live at home again.
Things never got better, he ended up leaving me a couple times and each time there was another girl involved. I always took him back, he somehow had made me believe that I was ugly and fat ( I weighed 120lbs). My self confidence was non existent, he’d told me countless times that no other man would want me or even put up with me. I believed every word he said. He became physical too, kicked me in the nose for no reason and gave me a bloody nose. Punched me in the stomach for no reason. Made me chase after his car out in the dark country countless times.. making me hit his car and ran over my foot once. His parents told me countless times to leave him, his own parents! they said he treated me worst then a dog, whatever order he barked at me I would do on command. I didn’t listen to them either. There were a few good times but there was more worst then good. I am not going to lie I wasn’t the nicest to deal with at that point, I was miserable. I would be bitchy for no reason and extremely moody. I lost all my friends, they all got fed up and stopped talking to me. A few of them he didn’t approve of and he found reasons for me not to be friends with them. I had a few stick by my side, they’d tell me to leave him but I was stubborn. 6 years later, I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore, all I knew was what he told me to be. I felt like a ghost of myself, I ended up gaining weight and grew depressed. I had one friend that I would always talk to, that had stuck by my side for over 7 years and I am still happily friends with him. He finally made me see that I was worth more, I broke things off with Jim finally.
Recovering from years of all that abuse was hard, he still tried wiggling his way back into my life. I made new friends through work and I ended up drinking to drown all the pain. I spend $100’s on going out and getting drunk every single week. I tried getting involved in new things, spending more time with family and slowly finding myself. It felt strange to make decisions for myself and speak for myself. Almost a year had passed, I decided to put myself out there… scared and all I decided to give love another chance. Met a lot of new people along the way and then I found my boyfriend. I remember how strange it was having a new boyfriend, one that treated me properly. I had never been respected by a man so much in my life, we’ve been dating and living together now for almost 2 years. I’ve had some moments where I didn’t know how to react in situations and learning how to trust a man again after everything I went through. Did I mention that Jim tried to break us up at a point? He contacted my boyfriend and started lying to him about all this bad stuff I had done. I got so scared that he was going to believe him, I remember crying my whole trip home from Toronto. My boyfriend of course stayed by my side, even through Jim trying all these things. He made me see that there are good men, one’s that will treat you like a queen. They never raise a hand against you or say nasty things or call you mean things.
I guess I just want other women to know, there is a way out. You can do it, you can stand up for yourself. There are so many men in this world that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know it isn’t easy just changing your life, you get comfortable and scared of change… but I’m telling you just do it for yourself! You are worth so much! There will always be family, friends and shelters there to help you with your life change.
I wrote all this because he attempted to wriggle his way into my life again, this time with the help of his new girl friend. For some reason she wanted to be friends with me? I blocked him on everything, she message me through Facebook. I told her it wasn’t wise for us to be friends and I tried to give her a warning, she of course didn’t listen. I guess he found out because she told him, he sent me a very passive aggressive message. Basically calling me a liar and denying treating me like that. He then proceeded to invite me to his wedding that will be before I ever get married apparently because she has a ring on her finger and never takes it off. I immediately blocked her, I’ve since had a few girls that I don’t know sending myself and my boyfriend friend requests. I’m a bit sad that she didn’t listen but I guess she’ll find out for herself. No matter how much someone says their changed or you try changing them… they never will! Narcissists don’t change, I’ve learned that the hard way and I guess so will she. I hope this helps someone out there, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Here are some links if anyone is in need of help in the Hamilton area :
number for 24hr crisis line- 905-387-8881
Crisis line 416-746-3701
You can also contact The Assaulted Women’s Helpline at
|GTA: 416-863-0511||1-866-863-7868 TTY|
|Toll Free (Ontario): 1-866-863-0511||#SAFE: #7233 on your mobile phone|
Remember it is not your fault! Your life matters! Don’t give up hope!!